This past Thursday, over 16.9 million of us tuned into the fair and balanced Fox News Channel to watch the final four Republican candidates debate the serious issues which face America today. We were joined by a lively and animated in-theater audience who enhanced the viewing experience with hearty cheers for their guy, selfies interspersed with fist pumps, and a bad case of ants in their pants prompting an unwillingness to sit still and listen. Of course, no serious discussions occurred during the debate, and most of us only watched to hear what “He” would say next.You know of whom I speak. Need I mention his name? Trump, “The Donald.” Now forever known as “The Big Fella,” or my personal favorite, D.T.
What would Lincoln say? Or Reagan? Or for that matter, George W.? We can only speculate at the presumed melancholy of the great emancipator, the chagrin of the great communicator, or the confusion of the great decider over what to make of the current state of the Republican party. Once the vanguard of family values and big tent politics, the GOP now must hold its televised debates after the 8:00 pm family hour to spare impressionable young ears from the vulgarities of the would-be leaders of the free world.
This was all preceded earlier in the day by an unprecedented and vicious bashing of D.T. by former Massachusetts Governor and 2012 “failed candidate” Mitt Romney. Speaking from his now more comfortable digs in Red State Utah, Mitt cited D.T.s moral, business, personal, ethical, marital, taxable, educational, and follicle failures, and passionately made the case that D.T. is a bad choice for not only the 53% who were supposed to have embraced Mitt the last time around, but perhaps the entire 99% that Bernie Sanders is now courting. The one percenters will just have to fend for themselves. Mitt urged conservative folks to vote for Marco, Ted or John in the remaining primaries and force the whole mess into a brokered convention this summer, where a savior to be named later would hopefully take up the cudgel and rescue the party. Mitt was so persuasive that when Marco, Ted and John were asked at the end of the debate if they would support D.T. were he the nominee, they slowly nodded their heads in unison while mumbling, “Yes, yes, yes….”
The whole thing is quite bizarre. So bizarre in fact that when astronaut Scott Kelly recently returned from 340 days floating around in the International Space Station, he was heard to comment, “Adjusting to space is easier than adjusting to earth.” I’ve heard that after he viewed the Thursday night food fight, he volunteered for the next available space flight to Mars or anywhere that’s not earth. And who can blame the man? Should D.T. get elected, North Korea will no longer be saddled with the title of having the national leader with the worst haircut on the planet. And with Dennis Rodman endorsing D.T. for POTUS, the green haired, dress wearing, former NBA All-Star may well be named the next Secretary of State. He has many qualifications; born in New Jersey, international diplomatic and professional wrestling experience, what’s not to like? Besides, Chris Christie has decided that this time around, he wants the job of Secretary of Transportation.
Now, many in the NPR orbit are inwardly gloating while outwardly expressing politically (and in this case sagaciously) correct anxieties imagining a world with D.T.’s big hands cradling the nuclear trigger. They are all aglow with the belief that after the Bern dies down, all good Democrats, Socialists and other Blue State loyalists will join hands chanting verses of Kumbaya, and mark the ballot for Hillary. They should curb their smugness. It ain’t your Daddy’s election cycle anymore. Back in the more predicable days when national politics was played within the forty yard lines, the electorate was more or less twenty percent to the left, twenty percent to the right with the remainder of the mob somewhere in the middle. Call them the Silent Majority, Regan Democrats or just the Great Unwashed. They went quietly about their lives believing in such utilitarian and arcane notions as raising a family, exercising personal restraint and responsibility, supporting government activity limited to helping the majority of people while protecting the minority, and enjoying a quiet weekend. Well, today these folks have gone off the radar screen or are writing foolish blog posts that few people read. I mean to say, you just can’t predict where they will now cast their ballot.
And you thought the hanging chad was bad. It’s enough to give you the D.T’s.
— Gavin Keenan